Humor Column: Freshman Survival Guide

Of course, you’re excited to say “sayonara” to your bum high school, boring hometown, and toxic ex you still to run into at Target (yikes!). And you’ve finally made it to “the best four years of your life” as they say.

Or so you thought. Your psychotic parents, who you actually love to death, pulled out of the parking lot. Now, you just want to curl up in a ball and cry. You don’t have your best friend to rant to or your ex to hook up with (oops) to forget about all problems in the world. As my professor kindly put it, how do you respond when life hands you a “big bucket of suck?”

Like every other froshie, you’re probably lost as hell trying to find your way across a new campus full of big, scary college kids. You have a decent amount of common sense and avoid asking the druggie as to where the student center is, but that leaves you walking around in circles around the food court. Thankfully, we have Google Maps to solve this problem. If you crank up the volume, Google Maps can yell out where your next destination is for all of the kind upperclassmen to know that you are, indeed, clueless on campus.



The next step to survive as a college freshman is to limit time spent outside of your safe, secure dorm to only class and the library. Your rollercoaster emotions are draining enough. Why bother with healthy distractions – clubs, greek organizations, community-service groups – to take away time and energy from earning that 4.0 that every employer absolutely gives two craps about.



So you made the decision to devote the best four years of your life to the library. Though you have the willpower to memorize human anatomy from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m., your brain cannot help but think of that cute boy sitting next to you and funny memes your ex sent five minutes ago. The solution? Addy, addy, and more addy! Don’t worry – you don’t actually need a legit diagnosis of ADHD. As long as you can study for those 12 hours, the super study tool did its job.



But enough about hitting the books – time for the meat and potatoes of why you came to college. For most students, going to college means endless nights of partying. If you’re a newbie, you’re probably fretting over what to wear and what to expect at your first night at Sigma Alpha Epsilon.



I mean, it is a frat party. This is the perfect occasion to whip out your nicest heels and cake on layers of makeup for everyone to admire in the basement. You were also looking at that cute guy at the keg, right? Don’t sweat it if you can’t scoop up Mike for the night as he’s grinding on Jessica in the corner.



College dating can be complicated, but only if you make it be. It’s great if you’re seriously trying to initiate a relationship with a special someone, but remember to make the most of your bachelorette days by hooking up with every brother in that particular frat before time runs out. Your special someone will understand. Brad himself is probably asking Britney to send it before he gets stuck with a stage five clinger like you.



In short, college makes it hard to juggle boys, books, and booze all at once. Fear not! These foolproof pieces of advice will make it seem as if you’ve had your act together from the start. With this new confidence, you’re bound to be mistaken for a fifth year super senior.



Joking aside, college freshmen struggle to adjust to a new lifestyle. The discomfort stops many first-year students from wanting to meet new people and pushing themselves outside of their comfort zones. The freedom in college also allows for wild nights and great memories (or lack of) with friends, but it is important only do what you feel comfortable with and keep your goals in sight. A respectable GPA is important to your employer (and your parents, too). However, being a well-rounded student allows for more personal growth and shows more character than any number can. Though you will have bumps in the road over the next four years (and life after graduation), surrounding yourself with supportive peers and having a variety of interests both in and out of your professional industry will help you get through that “big bucket of suck.”



Chase that degree, get those internships, have fun, and be safe.